Anonymous Celebrity

Before I forget (cause this is funny)...

We were driving around running errands yesterday afternoon and I was online on the iPhone looking at the hours and rates for a place called KidSpot. I said to Kevin, "hey, they have a 'mom's morning out' club."

Kevin (lightheartedly): Why is it always the moms that get stuff like that?

Me: I dunno, I guess cause they're the ones stuck with the kids the most.

Kevin: Really? Cause I'm stuck with kids all day! How do you get to be one of those dads that doesnt have to deal with his kids? How do you get a gig like that?

Me: I guess you've got to bring home all of the bacon.

Kevin: I DO bring home all of the bacon! When's the last time you bought any bacon?

Too cute. Even the kids laughed.

-- Post From My iPhone (in bed about to go to sleep and not even wearing glasses).

I have been saving these up for a little while (I actually make little notes in my iPhone so that I will remember these things to post them)...

Johnnyisms aka "As Said By Johnny"

This afternoon when I was changing him he got ahold of his penis and started mashing it in. I said to him, "you don't want to do that." And he said, "why not? Is it breakable?" Hilarity ensued. I am talking head thrown back howling laughter...

Yesterday at lunch he picked up half of his peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (cut diagonally) and proclaimed, "what color is this?" I said, "the bread is white." To which he answered, "it's a triangle, which means 'A'."

From the back of the car the other night...



"I want to go in the grape store."

Last Thursday when I had to go to court for my speeding ticket (which I got reduced to 'improper equipment' - HUZZAH). I came home and Jonathan says to me, "you had to go to see the judge and tell him not to go fast!"

One night last week (or the week before) we were driving in the car and "TiK ToK" by Ke$ha came on. I started to sing along a little. Jonathan told me to STOP singing. Why? "Because it's for grownups and it's NOT NICE and I SAID SO!" Hahaha... Silly Johnny, that is only meant for the kids when they try to sing things like "3," of course it does not apply to mommy. :P I bit my tongue anyway (but mostly to stifle the laughter).

While doing homework one night the kids decided they'd join me. Jonathan looked up from his coloring and very seriously proclaimed, "there's work to be done."

And I think it's funny that Johnny calls the Red Lobster the Krusty Krab. Lucky I didn't wreck the car when he blurted that one out the other day. Tee hee.

He is so cute. And he brings my life such joy. And he always gets to ride "shotgun" (well, what he thinks is shotgun, anyway). ;)

I slept a lot on Ronan's birthday. It hit me hard this year, being a milestone year. He would have been five. In some ways time heals and eases the grief we feel on a daily basis, but with every passing year the reality that this really is forever seems to grow. It doesn't end at one year or five. There is no magical number that will end suffering the loss of him. It will never be okay. For the rest of our lives our son will always be dead. It's hard. Me and Kevin were both pretty irritable (as we usually are) yesterday. We never intend it to be so, but it happens every year regardless. Maybe one of these days we'll just go hole up somewhere and be alone. I am truly glad we were able to pull it together enough to have a good dinner with our family. We went out to Red Lobster (aka 'Krusty Krab' per Jonathan - LOL) with Sara and our nieces. It started snowing shortly before dinner. In all honesty, I was hoping we'd really get dumped on. Nothing seemed more appropriate as Ronan had been born on a snowy day. I got my wish. :) We currently have about 8 inches and the snow is still coming down. It's beautiful. A natural memory sent from the Heavens. I couldn't imagine anything better and I am so thankful.

Today wasn't so bad. Again, I slept most of it away. Last night was kind of a rough night and I was tired (not that I would have needed that for an excuse anyway). In the midst of grieving the loss of one child another chose to show us what being a parent really means. Jonathan is sick. He is our rainbow after the storm of losing his brother... our miracle baby born alive and healthy after a long, complicated and terrifying pregnancy. He was very restless last night and woke up several times crying. He started with an upper respiratory a few days ago which turned into what we think may be sinusitis and now it's in his right ear. He was in pain. Poor guy. As rough as it is to be sleep deprived, God knows I would have done it had it been Ronan, too.

Despite not feeling well Jonathan was excited by the snow and very eager to go out and play this morning. I did take him out for a little while (in 3 layers of clothes and two hats). When we came back in we sat at the table with hot cocoa and played with Play Doh ™ . Of course I cannot live my entire life in a perpetual state of gratitude (I am only human, after all), but there are very few moments with Jonathan that I take for granted. I know that life is fragile and that fate is not in my hands.

Tonight Kevin lit Ronan's candle quietly and we ate beef stroganoff with my parents at home. It was a normal night for the most part. Way too much noise. But if I give myself a moment to think about it the noise of life is glorious. It's the silence of forever that we wish to escape.

White roses from Auntie Sara and Nana for Ronan on his birthday and angel day.

In remembering Ronan yesterday on his birthday, and today the 5th anniversary of his death. I realized that although his life was very short it was very full of all of the right things that make a life good and worthwhile. He never got to grow up and experience so many things, it's true. He never even got to open his eyes. That is very sad to those of us who are left behind without him. We are truly the ones who suffer. While Ronan lived there were no harsh words ever spoken to him. He never knew anger or hatred for one second of his life. No one ever judged him. No one ever threatened him harm. And did he know beauty and love? He most certainly did. He knew the sounds of the voices of his family. He knew the touch of his parents. He lived his entire life surrounded by our love. And from my loving embrace he passed into the perfect peace of Heaven. And there God holds him until the day we can meet again.

From my dear friend Randall...

Do not judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
Judge it by the richness of its contents
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant?
Do not judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
Judge it by the way it touches and lifts the soul
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful?
And when something has enriched your life
And when it?s melody lingers on in your heart.
Is it unfinished?
Or is it endless?

Author Unknown


Ronan is endless.

This entry has been about a week in coming...

Last Tuesday I had my first day of classes on campus at WSSU. It's true I started school through WSSU last May for nursing, but I have been taking my nursing courses at a satellite site through Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center (at the Piedmont Plaza). I also took classes on campus last semester at Davidson County Community College (where I am VERY comfortable because that is where I got my Associate's degree). A little background on WSSU... it is a historically "black" university. I have many black friends and colleagues who I love and respect dearly and I have always been comfortable in mixed settings. That said, I have never felt more white in my life than I felt on Tuesday. I truly believe it was a form of culture shock. Now I believe I know what it feels like to be a minority. I could have sworn I was glowing. It's lucky I didn't put anybody's eye out... ka-chow. I am sure my $150 Danish leather Mary Jane clogs and Vera Bradley messenger bag didn't help. I must have reeked of snobbery. And maybe that was the real issue? Probably. I expected that I might feel out of place in that I am a "mature" student, but that really hasn't been an issue (most people think I am 5+ years younger than I really am). Although I wouldn't pass for a teenager, I could easily pass for a grad student (and soon hopefully, I will be).

Commuter parking is all the way across campus from where my classes are. Parking is assigned, so I couldn't "cheat" and park in a lot closer to where I needed to be. My parking decal clearly reads "BB." I never got the chance to do a dry run, so I was winging it on Tuesday. It was by the grace of God that I followed the right path to BB parking. It is basically a strip of road with parking spaces on either side. I thought I was going to have to hoof it to my classes, but luckily I was wrong. There is a shuttle. I was so grateful for that fact. That is, until I actually got on the shuttle. It was packed. I had to stand (and try to ignore the whispers of 'I hope she clean' from the students whose faces were closest to my denim-clad derriere). I got off at the first stop I recognized and walked the rest of the way to class. If I would have known better I would have waited, but I didn't know where the shuttle would go and I wasn't willing to risk it and end up in shuttle parking by the stadium or somewhere. Here is a link to a map of campus: http://www.wssu.edu/WSSU/About/Information/Campus+Parking/Campus+Map.htm

I really enjoyed my classes on campus on Tuesday and Thursday. I am taking a computer science class and statistics on campus. The instructors both seem very good. I do think it's a shame that so many of the students in my classes are so disruptive and disrespectful, though. I have heard them talking, using the computers (or other devices), and even speaking ill of the instructors. For instance, half of the students in my statistics class have said everyone fails under the instructor I have and that she is a terrible teacher. Many of them said they were going to try to drop/add and get out of her class. My assessment is that if they studied the assigned material, the instructor is on-point with the text. I had no trouble following her whatsoever. You cannot blame failure on the instructor if you don't pay attention, attend class, and study the assigned material. And if these attitudes are what she has to deal with, I can certainly see why she would be intolerant and unaccommodating. These kids think their grades should be handed to them. I'm on her side.

As to fitting in better on campus... pfffft. Who cares? I'm not sweating it at all. I still wear my Sanitas and carry my Vera Bradley bag. I'm a real grown-up, snob or not. Haha. The only "cool kid" thing I do do now is walk around listening to my iPhone. It seems like most of the kids on campus are always wearing ear buds (like, everywhere they go). I love music too, but really? You have to have music in your ears constantly? I have it in my consciousness. Is that really a generational thing? So anyway... I jumped off a bridge on Thursday and bought myself a pair of Skull Candy noise cancelling ear buds in the University bookstore. I ♥ love ♥ them. I keep them unplugged in my ears in the library just to block out background noise while I study. They are awesome. Wearing my ear buds actually makes it easier to ignore people on campus (although I could see myself tripping on a flat surface because I literally hear nothing with them on - you know, equillibrium and all...). The good thing is I feel less visible in a way. I no longer smile sheepishly at every person I pass. The first day I was here I noticed every person's reaction to me. Now I rarely even make eye contact with anybody. I guess that has its upsides and its downsides, but I am not really here to make friends.

I got really smart this semester and blocked my classes out to give me a few hours of study time in between. I don't go home. I need my school time to be my school time and my home time to be my home time. I had a lot of difficulty last semester trying to get work done at home and feeling guilty that I was putting Jonathan in front of TV to try to get things accomplished. My mom is available, but when I am home he wants me. I just can't say no to that. This semester my school day on Tuesdays runs from 9am to 9pm. It makes me a little sad for my family that I am gone so long (especially since I still have to work 3 twelve hour days a week too), but it's only for the next four months. If it will keep me from becoming irritable and stressed and incapable of spending QUALITY time with them when I am home, then it's going to be worth it. I'm excited. :)

I've been eating between 1000-1100 calories a day for the last three days now. I know that it's not enough if I don't want to end up slowing my metabolism down. Thing is, aside from some manageable head hunger (which was surprisingly worse at work today than it was at home over the weekend), I am not finding this very difficult and I am satisfied. I have to try not to go from one extreme to another, but it's hard because I am an instant gratification junky. I want to see results yesterday. You know?

I bought a new scale yesterday and weighed myself last night before bed. I was not happy. I am 10lb heavier than what I thought I was. I knew I'd gained weight, but I didn't realize how much. This morning I got on the scale again because my weight is always lower in the morning (at at different times in my cycle too). I weighed 5lb less than last night. I believe it, but I don't believe it's all fat. I am not that naive. Feels good anyway, though.

I exercised Saturday and Sunday, but not today because I worked a 12 hour shift. It's ok though because I wasn't really supposed to do cardio two days in a row, but yesterday I did strength training and cardio, so I was ahead for today (and yeah, I know it doesn't really work like that, but humor me anyway).

So... for anyone who is interested - visit my SparkPage and check out my food and exercise logs. It will help keep me honest if I think people are watching (how many times have I said THAT before? Ha).



There is one negative thing I have noticed since starting my diet/exercise plan... my heart has been very irritable. I have been throwing out premature beats for years now, but they are usually few and far between. I never have sustained dysrhythmias. I have been having prolonged periods where I throw out one PVC for every 3-6 normal beats for the last three days. It seems to be worse after a meal. Premature ventricular contractions are fairly common and are rarely dangerous in a person with an otherwise healthy heart, but I am finding this to be particularly uncomfortable because it makes me feel like my heart is flip-flopping in my chest and it takes my breath away a little. The longer it goes on for (at rest) the more anxious I tend to get. PVCs can be caused by a lot of things. This is probably just a reaction to the sudden and drastic changes in caloric intake and activity level I've made. My most likely culprits are (alone or in combination):

a)alcohol - I got soused on NYE.
b)electrolyte imbalance - again, alcohol.
c)exercise - my body has released amounts of adrenaline I am not accustomed to.
d)caffeine - a stimulant (and irritant).
e)anxiety - I am freaking out a little about school starting again, but not THAT much.
f)virus - unlikely, but it could be.

It should clear up on its own. I am going to stay away from caffeine tomorrow and drink Propel and see if that helps. If I am not feeling better by Wednesday, I'll be seeing the doctor. Don't worry.

And just for shiggles... Here are some pics of my strip that I took with my iPhone:



This one shows two PVCs with four normal beats in between. There were 10 normal beats before and 6 after that are not shown, so not so bad.



This is actually the worst part of the whole strip... it shows three PVCs and they're pretty close together (every other beat then one after four beats).

January:
*rung in the new year on in-line skates (a non-scale victory). Partied like it was 1989!!
*felt amazingly beautiful and alive (also non-scale victories).
*celebrated my youngest step-daughter's 12th birthday.
*discovered on Ronan's fourth angelversary that my sister-in-law had a basketball-sized tumor in her chest which was displacing her heart.
*had a particularly difficult time on Ronan's days. Really felt a lack of support. Decided I'd never try to raise money for March of Dimes before his birthday again (contemplated making 2010 my last year too).


February:
*got an awesome new laptop from my parents (happy early birthday to me).
*threw a very unsuccessful Valentine's/Pre-op potluck party. It was a drunken drama fest (but damn those red velvet cupcakes were good).
*did my best to support my SIL and brother before, during and after her horrible surgery.
*got stalked.

March:
*continued the support.
*got burnt (no, not that way).
*got my ducks in a row and applied to WSSU's RN to BSN program (again, finally).
*celebrated my daughter's 11th birthday (sort of - having and 11yr old makes me feel old).
*celebrated my 33rd birthday (but not really - haven't really 'celebrated' since 29).
*enjoyed go-carts with my family in Concord (another non-scale victory).
*ate alligator tail and crawdad étouffée for the first time ever. Cajun food is BOMB!

April:
*made a gorgeous necklace for A Small Victory to auction at their benefit dinner.
*wore a size 18 dress for Easter and looked better than I have since I was 18.
*felt amazing and beautiful and didn't need anyone to notice.
*raised over $900 for March of Dimes and walked in the March for Babies in Ronan's memory.

May:
*biological clock starts ticking hard again. Biological clock subsequently smashed...
*Welcomed Justin Santo as my first cousin-in-law.
*worked hard on spring cleaning (involving an oversized rental dumpster and a bonfire - oh yeah).
*bravely started nursing school again at the age of 33 after having been out of college and working for nine years while still employed full-time as a critical care nurse and raising five children. Yup. Chutzpah.
*became the proud (and ecstatic) owner of an iPhone 3G. HUZZAH!!!

June:
*was told my daughter's biological father has lung cancer. At 30? Well, he's a smoker and injured his lungs in a house fire in 2004, so maybe. His cousin told me this...
*got stalked again. This time it was way more personal.
*had a pregnancy "scare."
*supported my dad through catheter ablation of his heart and subsequent re-hospitalization.
*got in trouble for missing work... applied for FMLA.
*said goodbye to Michael Jackson.
*was utterly disgusted with John Gosselin.
*celebrated my one year "surgiversary" after gastric bypass 120lb lighter.
*worked my @ss off.

July:
*adjusted to Kevin working per diem nights as a surgical recovery specialist for the NC Eye Bank.
*took my girls to see "Jersey Boys" in Raleigh. Enjoyed all of The Four Seasons' greatest hits
*said RIP to "the beast" (1998 Dodge Caravan).
*financed my first car with Kevin (2008 Toyota Yaris).
*took on a new graduate (intern) orientee at work.
*continued to work my @ss off.
*pulled a 4.0 in my first semester back to school.
*took my family for a well-deserved celebratory weekend at Myrtle Beach, SC.

August:
*cut my work hours to a 0.8 (three 12 hour shifts per week instead of three one week and four the next).
*re-admitted dad to the hospital on my mom's birthday to titrate Tikosyn.
*pulled Jonathan out of daycare and started him in preschool two days a week (saved me $600 a month). HOORAY!!!
*celebrated my step-kids' 14 & 15th birthdays.
*had a horrible case of bronchitis.
*lost the tube from Jonathan's right ear and didn't have to have another surgery.
*celebrated my 7th year of marriage.
*misconstrued and assumed which seems to have driven the final nail in the proverbial coffin. Yes, I know that was cryptic. Read back (if you can).
*started my second semester of nursing school at TWO colleges - 21 semester hours!! Holy!

September:
*remembered Amelia on her 4th angelversary (even if no one else does).
*overworked, overstressed, overwhelmed (and sinking fast...)
*gaining weight. Great.
*losing self-confidence and self-esteem.
*aced the hardest group project (or any project) I've ever had to do. A boost!
*worked my @ss off... felt guilty and absent and missed my family (especially my baby) a lot.

October:
*another pregnancy "scare." Yes, I'm on BC. Thanks anyway.
*relocated Ronan's entire memorial website to my grief journal meandro due to geocities closing.
*got in trouble at work (again). This time for trying to study during my down-time (among other things). Feeling really unsupported and vulnerable.
*hating Kevin's training schedule at the Eye Bank.
*took some time to enjoy the mountains with my family.
*had a really fun Halloween with my little fireman (and Tink, Minnie, and Mariposa too).

November:
*celebrated my niece Christine's 2nd birthday.
*ate a lot of dry/canned food and take-out while the kitchen was being remodeled.
*still unbelievably stressed out with school, but even more so with work. To the point I wished I had a tranq some days.
*adjusting to Kevin working full-time 12 hour nights at the Eye Bank call center and part-time days at Costco. So. Difficult.
*gained more weight.
*becoming more disappointed in myself and more depressed about weight gain - especially after I nearly died to lose weight.
*Relationships were suffering and are getting worse.
*realllly enjoyed my fall break. OMG. I so needed it.
*enjoyed Thanksgiving at my brother's house.

December:
*celebrated my little miracle's 3rd birthday. We saw Disney on Ice: 100 Years of Magic.
*celebrated my niece Carolyn's 7th birthday.
*finished yet another semester of nursing school!! WOOT!
*not only survived the semester, but kept my 4.0!!!! DOUBLE WOOT!!!
*enjoyed the Costco banquet and ball at Embassy Suites with Kevin and several of his work friends. Had a new dress and new shoes and actually felt pretty.
*said goodbye to the Costco family that same week when Kevin decided he could no longer keep working days and nights in succession. :( Thank God we can still keep our friends.
*enjoyed the NC Eye Bank holiday party in the BB&T Penthouse. It was super nice.
*enjoyed girls' night out with some of Kev's former Costco peeps.
*prepared for Christmas... shopping, wrapping, decorating, etc.
*enjoyed a private holiday party with Kev's former Costco peeps.
*enjoyed Christmas eve and Secret Santa with my co-workers.
*baked cookies!!!
*celebrated Christmas and enjoyed my family (despite extreme fatigue and mild illness).
*celebrated my niece Charlotte's 4th birthday.
*partied at the Millennium Center on New Year's eve.

Now I am trying to mentally prepare myself to go back to school for one more semester. I'm scared for obvious reasons. Classes resume 1/12.

I am also cutting carbonated drinks, cutting sweets/junk/snacking (cutting calories in general), and starting to exercise again. It's not exactly a resolution. I have to do better for ME. I can't have a repeat of the last several months. Just can't.

That is all.

I think I've said something about Carmen getting braces a few entries back, but I didn't include any pictures or really update much about the process. Carmen has pretty straight teeth and they don't look bad cosmetically, but she does have a severe overbite so she required braces to correct it. In order to save several of her teeth we had a metal crank installed in the roof of her mouth a few weeks ago. I give it one turn every night and it is gradually widening her upper teeth. In a few weeks they are going to fit her for a head gear. Yes, my poor baby will have glasses, zits, braces AND a head gear. Poor thing. Fortunately, she only has to wear the head gear at home.

I took a pic the day they put the crank in the roof of her mouth and another one for comparison today after her check-up. The change is really pretty dramatic. See for yourselves...





Don't worry... she'll be a swan one day. :)

The good stuff...

I spent most of Christmas eve at work. We had a code first thing in the morning, but after we got the lady back and moved her to ICU the rest of the day was a good one. We opened our Secret Santa gifts and had a lot of laughs. Good times with some of my favorite girls. Here are a few pics...



Silly Allie unwrapping her gift from Sonia Secret Santa. She got a Sherpani bag.



Me opening my gift from Marie my Secret Santa. I got a Vanilla Caramel candle and Midnight Pomegranate lotion from Bath & Bodyworks (BBW).

I gave each of my closest work friends a small gift (discreetly). They each got a BBW Liplicious lipgloss, a scented pen, and candy from me. Allie got me a BBW manicure kit. Nice! :)

As you already know, after work I came home and made cookies for myself Santa with the kids. They turned out kind of grainey, but at least I tried. Here's another favorite pic from the cookie making fun...



Want a taste? Hmmm.... let me think about that.


While I was baking cookies, the children were taking turns showering and getting dressed for Church. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get them all together (or separately except while we were making cookies) in their dress clothes before Mass. I will have to at least try to get one of Carmen before the decorations come down because I bought her a beautiful new dress and she looks so pretty in it. Here's a little preview...


I love the ruffled neckline on it. :)

Unfortunately, I made a poor decision to take the kids to midnight Mass. I really just wanted to go with my family and enjoy the music like we used to. The big kids were okay to go to such a late Mass (they are 11-15), but it was a mistake to think I might get lucky enough to have Jonathan sleep through it. There was too much excitement.



There were the beautiful lights and Nana and Papa were in their choir robes. Jonathan loudly asked me if they were the "real" Nana and Papa - LOL. Then he proceeded to stand in my lap to try and see them in the choir loft. There was a harp, a flute, and a trumpet in addition to the choir (and of course the standard pipe organ). The music was great. We got to enjoy most of it. We arrived at 10pm and they started playing/singing shortly after. Jonathan was pretty good at first, but the longer we were there the more squirmy he got and the more he asked me "what time is it?" to which I would answer "it's very late." And after every song finished he would ask, "are we done?" LOL Yeah... I warned him a couple times that if he didn't behave we'd have to go sit in the cold car and be miserable. I knew it was time to leave when he would rather go sit in the cold car than be in church!! He called my bluff! So I left the big kids with Aunt Jo and we were gone before Mass even started. So much for me celebrating Christ's birth this year... But I am so grateful that I got to privately celebrate the beauty of experiencing my miracle child's wonderment on Christmas eve.

After we left church we drove through the neighborhood where St. Leo's is located. The homes are huge and amazingly beautiful. It's a wealthy neighborhood. They had luminaries lit on the sidewalks as they do every year. It was especially spectacular with snow on the ground (left over from last Friday!). We drove around the park three times before I took Johnny home. And he was still awake when we got there!! I decided since he was still wide awake and nicely dressed I'd take a few photos of him. These are my absolute favorites of the whole season...







Of course I think he's absolutely adorable, but he's mine... :)

After I took these pictures it was nearly 1am. We put out a cookie and a glass of milk for me Santa and then I took Jonathan downstairs and sat in bed next to him with my laptop. He still wouldn't sleep. He snuggled up against me and looked through uploaded Christmas pictures with me. It got to be 1:30am and surprisingly the rest of the family still wasn't home from church. I had no idea when I Santa would be able to put gifts out and stuff the stockings. Kevin was working, so I knew I Santa would be doing it alone. I decided I'd set my clock for early in the morning and go to sleep with Jonathan. It was the only way he was going to go to sleep. I was too tired to stay up and wait for everyone to get home and get settled in. I heard them come in sometime around 2am (I'm guessing). I was surprised no one tried to wake me. I guess they trusted I knew what I was doing.

I got up around 5:30am. I was reluctant at first, but realized what a gift it was that I was able to do it at all. How many people don't have the health or the wealth that me and my family were able to enjoy this Christmas? We are blessed. With that thought I shook off the sleepiness and played Santa's elf in a cold dark sleeping house... all by myself. And I was happy to do it. I was finished by 6:30am and by then the tip of my nose was freezing. I was sneezing and my nose and eyes were watering profusely. I have no idea why. I decided I'd wait up for Kevin to get home from work at 7am. I needed his help moving Johnny's train table upstairs.

When Kevin got home we decided to leave it downstairs and he did some last minute tweaks to help stabilize the track. Johnny woke up, so I had to lay down with him to get him back to sleep for Kevin to finish. I fell asleep myself. I remember hearing Zach's voice and then Tori's. Apparently they were helping Kevin with the train table. They were good though and didn't open any gifts or look in their stockings until we were ready. We got up to unwrap gifts around 8:30am (poor Kevin was starting to fade by then and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck too). Johnny saw his train table first, of course. He LOVES it. We still need to do some work on it to get it perfect (and perfectly stable - the bridge keeps falling down), but it makes him happy and that is all that matters. We practically had to pull him off of it to get him upstairs to see the rest of his gifts.

Unwrapping gifts wasn't too chaotic this year. We got to do our Santa and mommy & daddy gifts as a nuclear family and then Aunt Jo and mom woke up and joined us, so we unwrapped their gifts too. We decided it would be easier to do it before the rest of the family came for Christmas dinner (and even MORE gifts). I think Zachary was the most enthusiastic of all of the children over every. single. gift. he. got. Seriously. He kept on hooting and screaming, "YES YES YES!!!" with each one. I have to admit, we did get him some cool stuff. The best gifts for him were the Marvel Comic Encyclopedia and his zero gravity RC car (it runs on the walls and ceiling). We also got him some guitar accessories and a necklace with a wooden guitar pendant. Of course the girls loved their Vera Bradley frill make-up bags too. And Johnny also loves his Imaginext Ocean Boat. And it is SO COOL! :) It has a working anchor, propellers, sonar, crane, and a deep sea exploration pod!!! I saw it in a Sunday TRU circular and took my lunch break to go get it. So worth it and I saved big (same with Zach's RC car)!! Those are the gifts I'm the most proud of anyway... and they were all hits, so yay. :)

After we unwrapped gifts Kevin went to bed and I dozed off on the couch while the kids enjoyed their new toys and DVDs. It makes sense for me to be have been tired, but I don't know where the sudden flood of snot came from.

The rest of the family arrived around 1pm - well, except for Robert - we ate cheese and crackers while we waited for the childless LATE excuseless bachelor to make his appearance. He arrived with his trademark luxurious gift baskets close to 2pm. Sara and Chris' little girls were SO cute. They were all dressed in coordinating Gymboree gingerbread outfits with matching hair bows. I have never seen Beanie with pig tails and she was SO CUTE!! Here's a favorite pic of her from Christmas...



The littles (aka the elevensies) - Christine, Jonathan, and Charlotte were running up and down the hall with the loudest toys they could find (a popper, one of those rolling chime things, and the vacuum). It was funny. There are eleven months between them (they are 2, 3, and 4 now) and they always have a ball together. I took pics and video of everything (which have all been posted on Facebook). As I said there... it was somewhat dangerous obtaining footage of them. Steve Irwin would be proud. ;)

We had a very non-traditional (as far as Americans tend to go) Christmas meal of stuffed shells and eggplant parmesean (and pesto bread and a beautiful spinach and grape tomato salad, which I didn't eat). It was delicious. I liked it so much better than Christmas ham.

After lunch we opened tons of gifts... I got two gift certs to the nail place (one from Aunt Jo and one from the kids), a pretty Vera Bradley stationery set from Sara & Chris in Symphony in Hue, BBW yummies and a $10 iTunes gift card from Oren and Amy, a book on jewelry making from dad, our gift basket from Rob (2 bottles of wine, luxury bar soaps, various gormet candies, fruit, and nuts - including wasabi peanuts - super nice), and I got a Bose sound system with iPod dock from Kevin (WOO HOO)!! I got Kev a Samsung DVD Blu-Ray that does Netflix and Blockbuster (Roku) and is YouTube and Pandora compatible too. He got some very well-chosen gifts from Sara and Amy as well (including a belated birthday gift). They got him the latest Stephen King books (he has his entire collection in hardbound).



While we were unwrapping gifts, someone gave me a glass of wine. I think it was mom. I didn't really think about it until it was too late, but I drank it on top of 1000mg of Tylenol and a Mucinex. Nostsogood. Alcohol hits me quickly anyway because of the bypass, but with the meds on board... forget it. I probably fried my poor liver. I swear it took me two days to recover. I could not stay awake after that. I got through the gifts... barely. I sat there with a stupid grin on my face and watched. After that I didn't even try to fight it anymore. I let myself doze off. At some point someone told me I should go to bed. They said they heard me stop breathing a few times and they wanted me on my CPAP. I complied. Someone had sent Chris to bed in my parents' room too. He works nights like Kevin and hadn't been to bed yet because they did Santa at their house with the girls before coming over. Sara told him she would wake him up at 6pm, so I asked them to get me up then, too. I had to force myself to get up at 6. I really didn't need to either except to say goodbye. The only reason they wanted Chris up was so they could leave. They had to go to Sara and Amy's mom's place for her Christmas. By then dad had gone to his "man cave" with Robert so it was just mom and Aunt Jo in the main room (aka 'chick central').

Once I was awake, I felt better. I sat down with Johnny and had some leftover shells at the table (just the two of us) and then we went back downstairs and watched movies with the rest of our nuclear family. That's pretty much all we did for the rest of the evening. I slept fourteen hours and woke up with a backache on Boxing day.

I got out of bed and sat in the living room watching TV with the kids, but I fell asleep AGAIN! See? I swear the alcohol/meds/illness did something to me! I dozed off and on until evening. I wanted to take the kids out to spend their Christmas money. Carmen was dying for me to take her to B&N or the mall or somewhere, but I just couldn't motivate myself. Finally around 8pm I went to Wal-Mart out of necessity. I needed a gift for Charlotte's birthday party. My mom bought her an American Girl Bitty Baby doll with matching PJs, so I found a really cute 3 in 1 Stroller/Pram for her baby. I wrapped it as soon as I got home and then went downstairs again. I just chilled after that.

Sunday we had Charly's party after church. Mom made waffles. Yes. Waffles and birthday cake. Can we say dumping syndrome? Uh huh... I got halfway through my waffle before having a tiff with my dad (I will write about that separately). He pissed me off so bad I got up and left the table. I told Sara to call me when she was ready to do cake. I went and laid down in my room. I feel bad because it seems like every birthday Charlotte has is a drama fest (except last year's which she shared with Johnny and Carolyn BEFORE Christmas... and that is probaby the key - too much holiday togetherness = birthday blowout). I didn't even take pictures. :( I was glad Charly didn't seem to notice anything had happened and she loved her gifts, so that's good.

Sunday evening me & Kevin took the kids to the mall to spend their Christmas money. It was packed out. I took the girls to Claire's Boutique while Kev went to Gamestop with Zach. We brought our 7 year old niece Carolyn with us too. I was more than a little nervous in Claire's because it was crowded in that tiny little store and we kept knocking into things. People were also really rude and kept stepping between me and my kids. I wasn't so worried about the big girls, but I wanted to be sure I kept a hand on Carolyn and Jonathan. Carolyn stayed by my side and held my hand, but Johnny was a bit more difficult to control in there. He is Mr. Grabby hands and wanted to touch everything. I was an idiot not to bring him in his stroller (although how I would have pushed a stroller through that sardine can is beyond me). No one ended up getting anything except for Carolyn. She got a small denim purse with red applique flowers on it. Cute. :) Next Kevin took Carolyn and Jonathan on the carousel while I waited in line for Starbucks. Then we went to Bath & Bodyworks and I took advantage of their 50-75% off sale. I bought Carolyn a Cotton Candy flavored lip gloss to go in her purse too. All of the girls ended up spending their money on various things in there. We were only at the mall about an hour and that was ENOUGH!!

Sunday night our friends Chris and Crystal came over with their daughter Ashley and we exchanged gifts with them. I got a really pretty blown glass figurine of a dragonfly perched on a leaf with flowers. I put it on Ronan's shelf because the dragonfly is symbolic to me. For those of you who don't know the story, you should read Doris Stickney's Waterbugs and Dragonflies, it's beautiful. Ronan was remembered and missed on this fifth Christmas without him. His birthday is soon.

My tree and decorations are still up. I noticed a lot of my friends were putting stuff away the day after Christmas. I am not as Christmased-out as some of you are (maybe since I slept through most of it? LOL). I enjoyed my holidays as much as I could. I hope you all did too.

I am excited for a wonderful and productive 2010!! Among other goals I hope to be graduating with my BSN in May! I have a 4.0 at WSSU right now and I hope to maintain it! If I don't get another chance to say it... Happy New Year!!

Jonathan is amusing me *so* much tonight...

He was playing Cootie with me earlier, giving me legs and arms and antennae to put on the bodies and heads for him. He handed me a set of legs and said, "here's a pair, nudder one." And I am laughing because he understands two legs are a pair, but then reverts to slang like "nudder." LOL Cute.

Just a minute ago he was trying to unlock his bedroom door with a butter knife saying that he needed a screwdriver. Good to know what tools he needs. Wonder if he could really figure out how to unscrew and remove his door knob? Kevin has his fully assembled train table from "Santa" locked in there...

He spent the morning in big boy pants. They are black with pirate skull and crossbones on them (Gymboree). We call them his "skullybones", as we do everything with skulls on it. He's been peeing in the little potty awhile now, but kind of went on strike. Today he went in the big potty several times. Still can't get him to poop. We all need to make a concerted effort to be as consistent with him as possible. Carmen was potty trained at three. She started at 20 months, but reverted too. I hope the allure of big boy pants will work on him like it did on Carmen. She decided she wanted panties and never needed another pull-up again.

We are working on learning numbers and letters (upper and lower case and sounds) on sight. He's doing really well. His Vtech laptop helps. We love playing with it together. It's too difficult for him to do on his own just yet, but the more he learns by playing with me, the sooner he'll be independent with it. I am thinking of breaking out Carmen's old preschool computer games. I have some good stories that play on the computer too (Cat in the Hat, etc.).

Kevin disagrees, but I think Johnny is ready for his own cd radio. Not an expensive one, but something he can operate himself. And why not? He already knows how to work our DVD player. In fact, he's better about putting away discs than the big kids are. How about that?

I can't wait to share Christmas with him.

As most of you know, December 4th was Jonathan's third birthday. I am still in shock. I cannot believe he is three. My baby is a little boy. :sniff:

Jonathan's birthday was a great day. We slept in late and when we got up we put a "roast beast" in the nesco for dinner. Then we went out with my mom and met my dad for lunch at Macaroni Grill. I drew trains and trucks for Johnny on the paper table cloth topper as I do everytime we eat there, which he loves. Then Johnny stuffed himself on focaccia! The restaurant gave us complimentary cake and we sang happy birthday to Johnny.


Johnny enjoying my choo choo and firetruck drawings.


I drew him a picture of a purple pickup truck that went "HONK! HONK!" too, but didn't take a pic of it.


Happy Birthday, dear Jonathan...

Unfortunately, Kevin was unable to join us. He had worked all night at the Eye Bank and after sleeping for two hours in his car he had to work at Costco too. Since I was worried about him driving home, I had my mom take his car home and I picked him up. We went home and piled in bed for a nice long nap before going to see Disney on Ice (Nana & Papa's birthday/Christmas gift to Johnny)!


Kevin and the kids at Disney on Ice.

Disney on Ice was wonderful and so nostalgic. We all really enjoyed it. ( Some favorite pics... )

Both me and Kevin had to work on Saturday, so we had to reschedule the family party (shared with cousin Carolyn whose 7th birthday was 12/7) to Sunday after church. Poor Kevin had to miss that one too, since he was working at Costco again after having worked Eye Bank all of Saturday night. :\


Johnny and Carolyn with their cake.

Later Sunday night me and Kevin went to Embassy Suites in Greensboro for the Costco holiday banquet and ball. Poor Kevin was running on empty by then, but he really tried to show me a good time. It wasn't nearly as much fun as last year, but we did win a $50 gift card to Outback Steakhouse (which we traded a friend for one to Red Lobster). If I had it to do over again I would have skipped it and worn my new dress and shoes to the Eye Bank party instead. At least we matched...


This is the best photo of us from the party. :)

I was lucky to be off on Monday, which is a good thing because I had a hangover (we spent $75 on alcohol!!). Kevin ended up calling in to work at Costco (imagine how that must have looked), but he really needed the rest.

Tuesday night we went downtown to the BB&T building for the NC Eye Bank party. They had it at the Piedmont Club in the penthouse on the 19th floor. It was really really nice. I was a little uncomfortable at first though because it was a much smaller party - no chance of being lost in the crowd like at the Costco shindig. Fortunately, Kevin's co-workers are all very friendly and are good conversationalists (and didn't just talk about work the whole time - thank God). I met some very nice people. A lot of them left after dinner, but the folks who wanted to dance hung around. They had free drinks so all of a sudden this very high-brow party got LOOSE. It's funny too that we drank less at a party where we didn't have to pay for drinks, but we did... what can I say?

Kevin was out on the dance floor with me cutting a rug every other song. It was awesome. :) He does so much better in smaller groups. I was amazed. We had a GREAT time! And we didn't get home too late. The party went from 6pm to 10:30pm. They left us wanting more. And isn't that the way to do it?

This is my favorite pic of us on the dance floor...



Here is the best posed pic of us from the night...

We wore our party duds from last year (except I had new shoes... 4" black satin heels).

Kevin called in to work at Costco on Wednesday too (he had mandatory training at the Eye Bank). Finally by Friday he had talked to his supervisor to let him know he wouldn't be back. I think we can all breathe a bit easier now. He was going to work himself into the grave. No amount of money is worth a life.

By the way... there are tons more pictures on Facebook. If you haven't added me there already, please feel free to do so. ;)

I have a big update to make, but I'm too tired. Maybe tomorrow?

I've read everyone's posts. Didn't comment on all, but I want you to know I care. ♥

Our group presentation went very well tonight. So well, in fact, that our group (hypothetically) "won" the $500,000 grant to start our foundation! This was decided by an annonymous class vote. Assuming everyone would vote for their own group, this is a pretty big deal because it means we swayed two (or more) class members to vote for us instead. I am ecstatic! This is way better than a "thanks" for all of my hard work (and stress, and loss of family time, and - at times - suffering interpersonal relationships). I'm not gonna say it was "worth it," but it's nice. It feels like it paid off in the end. YAY!

We turned in a notebook with our powerpoint presentation, a mock-up of our website, a tri-fold brochure, tons of research, evidence of community support (from media sources and interviews), triage flowsheet, call log, 72 hour follow-up documents, and information on area referral agencies and etc. Ms. Essick was so excited about it she said that she was going to share our idea with some of her colleagues as an idea for an actual foundation. *squee*

I am so happy. I am going to partake of some serious (and well deserved) R&R tonight.

I'm logging my calories and exercise on sparkpeople.com again. For those of you who don't know, it is a free site. The tracking tools are very helpful. I lost 40lb using it before my gastric bypass.

I wrote a blog on my page there tonight: "The honeymoon is over...". Please feel free to read it and share your comments. I may talk about my said issues more here at a later time (among other things weighing on my mind). It will be a locked entry, for sure. I would do it now, but I am just too tired tonight.

This is just for me:
992 calories today
No exercise (except @ work, LOL)

1) I have joined the gym at work and will hopefully tour Thursday and get set-up.
2) I'm taking a PE class at community college this fall - weight training! I really need someone to teach me how to lift weights correctly (bonus - it counts toward my BSN).

Did I ever mention that I hate exercise? I wish I was one of those endorphin junkies. I'd love to trade food for exercise. Is it possible?

Ronan by Liz Allen

My heartfelt thanks to my dear friend Liz for remembering our baby on her family beach getaway. I owe so much to her and to her angel Janell. I would have been lost without the support Liz gave to me in my deepest darkest grief. She was a positive example and gave me the courage and freedom to remember and grieve for Ronan the way I needed to. I may never be able to repay that to Liz, but I can pay it forward for Ronan and Janell. I have and I will continue to do so at every opportunity. Their memory lives on in my heart with many special angels.

Liz's nonprofit:
www.asmallvictory.org

My loss support community:
our_angels

Thank you, Liz. :)

Me & Kev in the surf with Jonathan. Myrtle Beach, SC - July 26, 2009.

We went to Myrtle Beach last weekend. Two days and one night. Lots of sand, lots of sun, lots of driving. It was fun and too short. The end.


Ultimate Johnny beach cuteness, 7/25/09.

Those are my favorites... More pics available on Facebook (some of you still need to join me there - c'mon, suck it up already).

LJ also needs a "reply all" feature so that I can post one reply that everyone who has commented can see without having to return to my page. You know, like "thanks guys" once instead of however many times? LOL You know you agree.

LJ needs a "like" button like facebook. That way I could let my friends know I'm reading without actually having to post a comment. I am so tired today.